"POLITICS AND OTHER MISTAKES"
Put on your rosy red glasses
By Al Diamon
Gov. John Baldacci has plans for his second term that will transform the lives of every Mainer. Which will probably annoy those Mainers who don't want their lives transformed.According to a secret source whose identity can't be revealed because that person isn't authorized to speak to the media on account of being fictional, Baldacci will soon unveil an ambitious agenda designed to answer every criticism ever leveled at him. That agenda is currently 43,000 pages long.
Here are a few highlights:
In his first term, Baldacci successfully merged the state departments of Human Services and Mental Health into the new Department of Health and Inhuman Confusion. As a result, thousands of Medicaid claims have been screwed up for nearly two years, the computer system that was supposed to fix that problem is now more than $40 million over budget, the Riverview Psychiatric Center has been releasing violent people into the community, delays in implementing a new money-saving system for delivering mental-health services have created a potential $30 million budget shortfall and federal auditors say the department lacks adequate controls over how it spends tax dollars.
Other than that, it's all good. So Baldacci will build on his triumph by merging the Department of Economic and Community Development and the Department of Education, which were chosen because nobody has a clue what either of them does, and because they both have an "E" in their names. The merged entity will be called the Department of Education, Business Redevelopment and Incidental Services (DEBRIS).
Goodbye to Learning Results. Hello to Earning Results.
Baldacci has been accused of failing to make "bold moves." To prove that won't be the case in his second term, his nominee for commissioner of the new agency will be none other than Tom Connolly, the Portland lawyer and former Democratic gubernatorial candidate arrested on Halloween for standing beside a busy highway costumed as a heavily armed Osama bin Laden.
"If Tom's convicted of terrorizing, he can do his community service by dressing up as Osama and visiting schools and factories to discuss security issues," said my source. "Also, his new office will be handy to the state's quality psychiatric services."
Baldacci has told reporters that in the next four years, promoting bipartisanship will be his "singular mission." Which appears to mean he won't have any other missions. Which is probably just as well.
To encourage unity among his Democrats, rival Republicans, grumpy Greens and irritable independents, the governor plans to appoint key members of each group to important posts. Failed GOP gubernatorial nominee Chandler Woodcock will head a trade delegation to North Korea. Green standard-bearer Pat LaMarche will be sent to study healthcare in Sudan. And independent Barbara Merrill will negotiate cheap oil deals in Iraq's "Triangle of Death."
As Baldacci often says, "We can't guarantee results, but we can guarantee opportunity."
Maine's top issue in the just-concluded election was high taxes. Baldacci will address the problem with a three-step plan:
1. He'll reduce property taxes by raising income taxes. 2. He'll cut income taxes by expanding the sales tax. 3. He'll ease the impact of higher sales taxes by hiring extra auditors to make sure Chandler Woodcock pays his taxes on time.
These same principles can be applied to alleviate other financial pressures. The $500 million debt Baldacci has promised to repay the state's hospitals can be covered by increasing the hospital tax. The billion-dollar shortfall in the state retirement system can be made up by an upward tweaking of the retirement tax. The high cost of healthcare can be covered by a new sickness tax.
Forget TABOR, the Taxpayers' Bill of Rights. This is the Taxpayers' Unified Burden of Responsibility, or TUBOR. Which has a nice Maine ring to it. Like a potato, only spelled wrong.
Speaking of healthcare, Baldacci plans to improve anemic enrollment figures in his Dirigo Health program by granting himself the authority to add two extra zeros to the end of whatever number sign up for the plan. If, by the end of 2007, Dirigo is serving an additional 100 folks, Baldacci will legally be able to claim it's reaching 10,000. Which isn't too different from the way those statistics are calculated now.
Finally, there's the Creative Economy, which is not about people who've found novel methods of cheating on their taxes. If that were the case, the C.E. would merit capital punishment instead of capital letters. Instead, this initiative calls for fostering the work of writers, artists and craftspersons in the hopes they'll sell an occasional screenplay, painting or pot, thereby making up for all the high-paying manufacturing jobs the state has lost.
Express your creativity by e-mailing me at ishmaelia@gwi.net.
