"POLITICS AND OTHER MISTAKES"
Joy to the world
By Al Diamon
I ran into a guy I hadn't seen in years. "Hello," I said.He looked stunned. At first, I thought my face might have aged so badly that it unnerved him. But I soon discovered his shock had nothing to do with my appearance. His reaction was caused by my choice of greeting.
"You're not supposed to say that," he whispered. "People will suspect you're a secular humanist or a member of the Green Party. Don't you know all salutations at this time of year must contain a religious reference?
"Oh, sorry," I said. "Go to hell."
"You're demeaning this sacred season every time you fail to acknowledge its spiritual significance," he said. "Using 'Hello' is as offensive as saying 'Satan rules' or 'Free Tom Connolly.'"
"I was just on my way to a free-Tom-Connolly rally sponsored by the League of Young Satanists," I said. "I'll be sure to wish them all happy holidays."
"Happy holidays is the most hateful expression of all," he cried. "It's an atheistic attempt to diminish the cultural importance of this historic celebration."
I tried to make amends. "I had no idea you were such a big fan of the winter solstice," I said. "Next year, I'll send you a CD of drippy New Age music."
Now, he was really offended. "Do I look like some Druid?" he sputtered.
I felt ashamed. How much effort would it take to greet him in the manner he desired? Why not make him happy?
"Merry Christmas," I said, adding for good measure, "and may Christ's blessings fill your heart all year long."
"You offensive clod," he shouted, storming off. "I'm Jewish."
A twist in the myth
Where in Maine are you most likely to encounter somebody who demands that everyone say "Merry Christmas"? According to Newsweek's Nov. 13 issue, evangelical Christians are an endangered species in 14 of the state's 16 counties. In Aroostook County, the religious right accounts for 8 to 14 percent of the population. But the state's Bible-thumping capital is Cumberland County, where the magazine claims 38 to 100 percent of residents are born again, putting Cumberland in the same category as most of the Deep South.
That doesn't jibe with voting trends in Maine's most populous county. While there are conservative enclaves in places like Windham and Standish, overall Cumberland is arguably the most liberal area in the state, routinely electing Democrats and even the occasional Green. In Portland, the county seat, the big spruce tree in Monument Square is officially a "holiday tree." And in the recent gubernatorial race, Christian right candidate Chandler Woodcock took less than 26 percent of the county's vote, well below his statewide average of 30 percent.
Evangelicals might consider praying for better research from Newsweek.
Detour
I thought I'd the found the perfect Christmas (or whatever) gift for a friend who drives a lot: one of those E-Z Pass gizmos that allow cars to cruise through toll booths in Maine and eight other states without stopping.
But there's nothing on the Maine Turnpike Authority's website about gift certificates. And when I called the E-Z Pass hotline, the rookie operator seemed flummoxed by my request. After checking with his boss, he informed me there was no way I could buy the device for someone else.
I can understand that. Turnpike executives, who frequently complain they lack funds to repair decaying infrastructure, have gotten in the habit of treating themselves to lavish dinners on the toll-payers' tab. But you can't even order a decent bottle of wine for the cost of an E-Z Pass, so why bother with me?
I'll just get my friend a Playstation 3. It'll be E-Z-er.
Discovering the waterfront
If you call the Yarmouth headquarters of GrowSmart Maine, the voice on the automated answering system seems to say you've reached "Gross Mart Maine."
Maybe they sell E-Z Pass.
I called because I was curious about a photo on the back page of an insert GrowSmart distributed in October. The same photo also appears on page 11 of "Charting Maine's Future," the report GrowSmart commissioned from the Brookings Institution, a Washington think tank, to explain how Maine can avoid sprawl and a proliferation of big box stores like Gross Mart. The picture shows a quaint fishing pier, a typical Maine scene. Except it's in Rockport, Mass.
Alan Caron, the executive director of Gross Mart - sorry, GrowSmart - said the mistake was made by Brookings' designer in Washington, who insisted the photo was of a Maine scene, even after Caron's staff questioned the location.
Which brings us to this revelation: The letters in "Season's Greetings" can be rearranged to spell "Seen, a grosse sting."
All I want for Christmas is an e-mail from you sent to ishmaelia@gwi.net. Or a bottle of Courvoisier XO.
