"POLITICS AND OTHER MISTAKES"
The pick of destiny
By Al Diamon
News item: The Maine Senate has confirmed Democratic Gov. John Baldacci's nomination of Charles Dow of Winthrop for a District Court judgeship, despite Republican criticism of Dow's lack of courtroom experience. The nominee spent less than five months handling District Court cases, while employed at a Portland law firm a decade ago. Since then, Dow has served as a top aide for several prominent Democrats, including former Speaker of the House Libby Mitchell and Attorney General Steve Rowe.Once upon a time, there was a magical city called Augusta, where dreams came true. Paupers became princes, particularly if they had an in with the Department of Economic and Community Development and Severin Beliveau. Press secretaries were transformed into assistant commissioners of finance and administration. And people who'd spent less time in a courtroom than convicted murderer Dennis Dechaine became judges. All it took was hard work, faith in yourself and a lot of sucking up to the politically powerful.
In this wondrous place, there was a mighty castle called the Blaine House, which was home to the governor (an office similar to a king, except a governor can't blame his stupid decisions on centuries of inbreeding). His name was Baldacci, and one day, while stumbling around in the basement looking for his approval rating, he noticed a pipe dripping water on the floor.
"I must summon the gubernatorial plumber," he cried.
But the gubernatorial plumber was nowhere to be found, having moved to Florida to avoid the state income tax, as well as the consequences of having inadvertently connected the Department of Health and Human Services' Medicaid computer with the State House septic system.
"Glug," gurgled the governor, for the water was getting deep. "I must nominate a new plumber without delay."
He summoned his council of advisors, which was composed of Mr. Tweedle Dee, Mr. Tweedle Dum and the Earl of Eagle Lake, John Martin.
"What qualified candidates can you suggest for this prestigious post?" the guv asked.
The first to speak was Mr. Dee.
"Your Governorness," he toadied, "I know of a plumber, who has graduated from our finest plumbing school with the highest grades and who has 10 years experience fixing dripping pipes and excellent references from ordinary people."
Mr. Dum was quick to interrupt.
"Surely, your Gubernatorial Greatness requires a plumber with more than a mere decade of drip-fixing expertise," he groveled. "I am aware of a local fellow, who, upon graduation from our esteemed institution of plumbology, went on to study at the Nixon White House. He has over 30 years experience in dealing with leaks and leakers. And he promises to clean up the contaminants that have collected in the Medicaid computer for no additional compensation, save the gratitude of your Governated Person."
Baldacci was about to tell Mr. Dum to have this plumber present himself at the Blaine House without delay (but with his pipe wrench). But before he could speak, the Earl of Eagle Lake stepped forward.
"I, too, have a candidate for this post," said the Earl, who, as always, was dressed in a black cape and enveloped in a cloud of cologne that carried hints of sulfur and brimstone. "Although he has never actually worked as a plumber, nor does he know doodly-squat about drips, he has been the press spokesman for two speakers of the House as well as the attorney general, and, as such, has spewed forth a great deal of the same material plumbers often confront. But perhaps his greatest qualification is that, being a native of my home province of Aroostook, he has my patronage, along with that of his previous employers, who, as you well know, are people of integrity, honor and enough political juice to drown you and your entire administration. Preventing such a flood requires far different plumbing skills than those needed to fix a drip in the Blaine House basement."
"Shades of Barack Obama," said Baldacci. "As one of my minions actually testified in a legislative hearing, 'While experience is a consideration, it is not a litmus test.' Sometimes all the experience that's required is to have brown-nosed the right people. Esteemed Earl, you must summon forth this worthy candidate posthaste, that I might submit his name for confirmation to the Great Legislative Committee of the Rubber Stamp."
And so it came to pass that a young man who knew not the difference between PVC and pipe clamps - but who did understand the finer points of PACs and clamping the lid on a scandal - found himself installed in the palatial chambers reserved for the gubernatorial plumber. There, he prospered for many years, because he always made sure that, while toilets remained plugged and drains stayed clogged, when it came to matters of importance to his patrons, foulness flowed freely.
As for the drip in the Blaine House basement, fear not, for he escaped and got elected to Congress.
Plunge into the debate by e-mailing me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.
